13 Reasons Why

Unless you have been living under a rock the last couple of weeks then you will know that almost everywhere everyone is going crazy about Netflix's newest show - 13 Reasons Why - I must admit, I was pretty apprehensive about watching this for a number of reasons.

Part of me was worried that this show may just be too close to home. I felt that it may open up issues that I had kept closed, that it may trigger feelings and emotions, and I also just felt that I couldn't bring myself to deal with watching a show based around suicide. I have known too many people, family members, friends that have sadly felt the need to take their own life's, In a way I felt it would be disrespectful to them, for me to indulge in such a show.

Despite my reservations, I started watching this beautiful, eerie and haunting show. I was hooked.
I am not going to sit here and discuss the filming, the camera techniques, or how the show reels you in. It does, but that's not the point. The show is based on the life's of a group of 17 year olds. Todays generation of 17 year olds. Despite now being 26 myself, it seems that todays generation hasn't really changed much. I suppose if anything has changed its technology and how today it now plays an even bigger part in teenagers life's then before. But the issues have always been there, regardless of the generation its playing a role in.

What struck me, was how much I was able to connect to the show, to feel everything that's happening on screen. I started to think about why, and realised that we have all played a part in this story, except it was our own story, our own school story. We have all played a part in what the characters are going through and feeling because it is based on truth.

I was instantly took back to my own 17 year old self, and how hard that age is to go through. How confusing it can be and how much really goes on in these later school years, and how it dramatically impacts our whole future and those around us. There will always be those that suffer more, that get picked on, bullied or victimised. Whether we knew it at the time or not, we would of all played a role in someone else's life for the worst. Laughing along when someone was joked about, not standing up to a school bully, not reaching out to the one person that seemed alone and lonely. How we can never know what goes on in someone else's mind. How we can never know who is too close to the edge already. The one who has been made to feel worthless, the one who feels there is now no more options other than to take their own life. I want you to think back to your 17 year old self, I want you to do it right now. Remember those comments you made, the horrible ones about someone else in your school year. Remember the time you didn't stand up for someone else. Remember how you laughed when someone was a victim of a joke? You will remember. We all will. We all did it. You probably was the victim of a joke too once or twice, we all went home and cried after school. We were all a lost 17 year old. That's the problem. Nobody gets out easy.

Most of us leave behind our school and college years. We grow up, we get out not too badly harmed. But some of us don't. Even writing this makes me feel guilt, sadness and nostalgia. It makes me want to go back, it makes me want to stand up for anyone who felt this way including myself. I want to tell my 17 year old self and those around me who felt the pang of dread that it will all end up being okay. But I can't. I would hate to go back to those years knowing what I do now. At the same time I would love to go back and put bullies in their places. We never know how much damage we can cause somebody else by our words and actions. We are young then, foolish, we are not developed enough to know what we know now, that words do hurts and that sticks and stones do break our bones, words will always hurt us. I dread when my own children go to school, the days where they come home from school and tell me nothing about their day. It hurts to think of all the teenagers who come home with hurt in their hearts and nobody to tell. It kills me sitting here thinking of everyone contemplating suicide because they haven't been treated with kindness or shown love and compassion. We all suffer.

You could say this is what this shown has brought to the surface for me, for everyone who has watched it. But I think its always been there, we just haven't talked about it. We all just get out alive and take a deep breath and move on. I'm glad that perhaps there is a little more awareness now then there was then but in my mind, doesn't it just come down to thinking before we speak. Putting our feet in someone else's shoes, being open minded, and with open hearts, looking out for one another, being kind? Our actions have results and sometimes just sometimes we might be able to save somebody else.

Lets talk about Mental Health.

I used to write, I used to talk about myself, my feelings and the things that troubled me the most. When I stopped writing, I lost my outlet, I stopped making sense of everything. When you learn something about yourself - a condition, you do all you can in your power to fix it and control it. I did. Sometimes, we run out of ideas and ways of fixing it, because you have tried almost everything. Life can be cruel, you want to be better but nothing is working for you.

I spend about 90% of each day worrying. Small and minor things become out of control and over the top. Physically each day I am exhausted, I ache all over, my IBS pains me regularly and I lack energy. It would seem easy to just take it easy, have naps or rest, but my brain does not lack energy, it’s the opposite and wont allow relaxation. My brain is constant, ticking, working into overdrive, stressing and thinking up new problems. Avoiding going out, socialising and doing things is easy, because leading up to any event there is a period of weeks of worrying about it. There is no reasoning with an anxious mind. You are battling yourself every single day, wondering what the next meltdown will be. Constant feelings of guilt, feeling bad about absolutely everything. Feeling like you have wronged everyone and like everyone is angry or disappointed in you. I know its all silly, but its uncontrollable. Its something I have to deal with everyday and its lonely as it feels like nobody understands any of it.

A mental health illness, is one of the loneliest conditions you can have. Nobody can physically see it, and nobody can understand it. Its not straight forward, its different for every single sufferer. Nobody can get in and diagnose your brain with scans, your suddenly a trial of 'Lets try this medication and see if it works'. There are no certainties. Your not treated as if your poorly or ill, except a mental health illness is the same as any other condition such as diabetes, your vulnerable and your battling and you are limited. If you couldn’t go to work because your blood sugars were all over the place, that would be okay, but if your anxiety or depression was making it literally impossible to get out of bed because your feelings and brain was all over the place that wouldn’t be treated the same. A mental health illness is a disability, it inhabits your body and brain like a disease and takes over, yet since its birth its been stereotyped, misunderstood and treated as an inferior. Mental health illnesses have been mocked, made a joke off, and typecast, even this Halloween people dress up as mental health patients and 'physcopaths' as a form of a scary character, I have seen decorations including a hanging ghoul. Mental health is not a joke, if you have been unfortunate enough to have known someone or suffered yourself you will know that the only joke around mental health is the fact that people are still so uninformed that they don’t understand it at-all.

You are not in control of your mental health illness. People think you can turn it off, or you just need to cheer up, so many times I've been told to just stop feeling sad, or to stop worrying, as if I am choosing to suffer with the way my brain is feeling. People think your just putting it on, they think your being difficult, but what's difficult is when all you want to do is wake up in the morning with a free mind and go to sleep at night with peace, and a brain free of problems.

People think 'well your on medication so you should be fine' - Personally I have been on at-least 8 different types of medication since I was 17, One of those was successful, but after two years it stopped working, it lost its use. I have had CBT and counselling. I have read so many self-help books, I practice hypnotherapy, and I exercise and not one of those has stopped my brain being in constant overdrive. You can never judge someone's condition,  everyone is different, we are all complex and complicated creatures, and we cannot all go down the same paths.

If your reading this and you don’t suffer from a mental health problem and never have, then your lucky, very lucky but you will know someone who does. You need to start being informed, because if you don’t then you will one day, or it might just be you who develops one. It’s the most common thing in our world, yet the least understood. 1 in 4 of us have a mental health problem. If you’re a family unit of 4, then someone in that unit will have some sort of condition.

Depression. 2.6 in 100 people in just England suffer. Depression isn't straight forward. It's not just something you get after something bad happening, depression can be clinical which means your brain doesn’t produce enough serotonin, and not correctly anyway. You can be rich, happy, in love, everything going well for you, but you still get clinical depression.

Loss of interest, suicidal thoughts and feelings, emptiness, persistent sadness, aches, pains and cramps and IBS, Restless, irritable, insomnia, fatigue, feelings of guilt, pessimism, and many more are all symptoms.

Seasonal affective disorder, prenatal depression, post natal depression, dysthymia are other conditions in this category.

Anxiety. 4.7 in 100 people. Panic, fear, uneasiness, difficulty sleeping, nervousness, palpitations, cannot relax, physical distress, numbness, tingling feeling in hands, muscle tension, dizziness, nausea, dry mouth and many more are feelings and symptoms.

Panic disorder, panic attacks and social and also generalized anxiety disorder also come into this category.

Mixed anxiety and depression. A major 9.7 in 100 people.

The most common, and from what I suffer from personally.

Similar symptoms to anxiety but with depression symptoms also.

Low self esteem, feeling hopeless, feeling worthless, expecting the worst, crying easily, enhanced sensory state,  constant fear and worry, tiredness, lack of energy, feeling irritable, troubles concentrating, memory impairment, disturbed sleep.

Phobias. 2.6 in 100 people.

Sweating, trembling, hot flushes and chills, panic attacks, choking sensation, rapid heartbeat, pain and tightness in chest, butterflies in tummy. A fear nobody else understands and it is not something you can get over or stop, for some it’s the fear of even leaving the house.

OCD. 1.3 in 100 people. Known as obsessive compulsive disorder.

It can be any kind of obsession, for some it’s the fear of germs, some spend their entire days cleaning and suffering from phobia symptoms, its exhausting for the sufferer and debilitating.

Panic Disorder. 1.2 in 100 people. Panic attack symptoms are similar to phobia symptoms, with overwhelming feelings of anxiety.

PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). 3 in 100 people

Re-experiencing the memory of trauma through intrusive distressing recollections of the event, flashbacks and nightmares.

Emotional numbness and avoidance of places people and activities, especially those which remind the sufferer of the trauma.

Increased arousal such as difficulty sleeping and concentrating. Feeling jumpy, easily angered and irritable. Some sufferers experience physically pain, such as soldiers who have lost legs, go through the physical pain of losing the leg again.

Eating disorders. 1.6 in 100 people. We have always heard a lot about eating disorders in recent media, and it is one people recognise more so, there are branches coming off this category and again there is no straight forward diagnosis. There is bulimia, anorexia and many more.

Suicidal thoughts. 17 in 100 people.

Self Harm. 3 in 100 people.

Personality Disorders. 3-5 in 100 people.

Bipolar Disorder. 1-3 in 100 people.

Schizophrenia. 1-3 in 100 people.

Some people are unfortunate to have combinations such as anxiety, depression and OCD. Mental health types can all be connected. There are more types of mental health illness' then there is types of cancer, and these are just statistics from England alone, from people who have come forward to be diagnosed, there are thousands more people who suffer in silence and have never been diagnosed with what they are suffering with.

This time of year sadly is the time of year that many commit suicide and its common in men. There is no stigma, but sadly I don’t think that a lot of progress gets made in recognising this. Look after each-other, check in on each-other, and try to educate yourself, don't let people suffer alone, support them, listen to them, understand them. It's not something that’s going away and it cannot be ignored, we need to talk more, be honest more often and show more care to everyone. The world is a cruel place but we can make it easier with love and understanding.

Consume yourself in love

Love is just so consuming. It consumes all of you, body, soul and mind. It really does leave you vunerable, exposed, to hurt. Hurt you may have promised yourself to never allow for you again, but hurt that you cannot help put yourself out for. Because this love, love in general, it makes you weak, it can be weakness in a good way - a way you cannot stop. Your head will try and rule over your heart, telling you that you need to take a step back, be strong, push away even, as you can't get fooled again, but inevitably love will fool us again, twice, a thousand times, because as humans we cannot truly ever conquer and overcome love. It beats us, we cannot hide from it, stagger it, fight it or decide against it. Love will happen regardless and we may push away and prevent it from happening, deny it even. Yet as much as we try, not because we dont want love but because to some degree everybody wants and needs love, love is life, security and everything we have been built to know and recognise, we know what it feels like but we also know what the opposite feels like. Hurt, pain, heartbreak, distrust, having love and having it ripped away. Why would we ever put ourselves in the position to do so again?

We dont want that for ourselves again, so we do try and stop it understandably. We cant help it, its our instinct to protect outselves and be wary of something that has hurt us before.
We hate lack of control. It is like being captured and not being able to escape - Its either going to end up with the worst ending, pure torture with no release, or it could end up with being saved. One outcome or the other, like with everything, but we also dont know unless we try or experience this, We cant stop the issue of being captured, we will either be freed or never be the same afterward. There is no choice, it is a fact of 'what will be will be' we cannot decide the end only the path in which we take to get there. Its hard, damaging, but we are already damaged if we think this way because you can only think this way if you have had your heart broke, if you have had love taken away, otherwise you wouldnt be thinking twice about it. It would be like first love, naive innocent, you wouldnt know the negatives or even be contemplating them because you wouldnt associate love with pain. Its hard, its really fucking hard, and you do feel like all control is taken away when your falling in love. When you have your heart broken you do all you can to gain that control, to deal with it, tackle it, overcome it and be strong, we manifest ourselves. We tell ourselves this wont happen again and we become certain we wont ever feel love again. We wont fall in love so fucking hard ever again, that we will never have that fear again. 

But boom, you fall in love again. Everything in this world has a reason and a place. What will be will be they say, everything happens for a reason. There are two ways of dealing with this. Love with the possibility of hurt, but love so fucking freely that if you get hurt you get hurt but you know you will get to feel the truth. Or.. remain on the edge, never loving freely, never trusting, always expecting the worst, denying yourself, giving up potential happiness, treading on egg shells, waiting for someone to hurt you, almost expecting them too, loosing out on love, you may end up heartbroken anyway from lonliness or when you realise what you may have lost along the way. So its a case of just trusting the path itself, love hard, love so fucking hard, and in return feel everything. embrace everything. Consume yourself in love.

Goodbye 15'

It feels like yesterday that I wrote a post saying goodbye to 2014 and here I am again penning a post to say goodbye to yet another year. 2015, typical to say it feels like it came and went. That is the thing about time I guess it constantly ticks over, it's not like time stops or slows down for anyone.

The end of last year was a really hard time, and to see in New Years was not the easiest. But I was completely determined to make plans, to plan things and to make the most of the year. It still seems like yesterday that I was getting ready to go out. I had decided against news years resolutions as I do most years, but I decided like I said with setting goals and ticking off more of my bucket list. In general I decided to just start making memories.

Goodbye Nanny Life

Being a nanny saved me at a time when I most needed. These three little munchkins made me strong and got me through a dark time, it taught me so many things, how to be more selfless, patient, accepting and to see the good in life still. They taught me just a fraction of what it would be like to be a mum. To love, teach, play and to help mould these little lives. Leaving them was so hard, but at the same time I am so grateful I got to be a part of their lives and it is a time I will never forget :)

 
 

 Amsterdam

Amsterdam came the day after I left my nanny job, and it was my first trip away with my fork besty from uni, a thing we had planned in order for us to start making events to look forward to in our year. It was amazing to spend time together and do all these wonderful things and was one of the best times away. A time where I truly felt happy and free and like I had no stress at-all. Amsterdam truly has become one of my favourite cities and I was so happy to spend it with one of my favourites, it taught me how important it is to make events and plans you can look forward too.

 

Hello New York

I saved tirelessly after the new year to afford a trip to New York for me and my Mumma, as a surprise and treat for her. Nothing will ever beat being able to take her there fully exclusive. It was the best place ever. We managed to do everything in those 5/6 days and I will always hold it as the best times, I had always wanted to go there, and it lived up to it all. It made me so happy, to make my Mum so happy and seeing all those things together could never have a price on. The only bad thing is missing New York everyday since. :) It taught me that the world is a big place, with so many people, and you can never be alone in a big city when you have family or friends.

There was about a thousand photos I could have out here for New York, which means a thousand memories!







 

Phillyyyyyy

We did not stop there, because a trip to Philadelphia was in order. I am and always have been so in love with the rocky films and Sylvester Stallone since I was a kid. And I always wanted to run up the Rocky steps and see the statue. And I did just that. I was there when they film the new Creed film. I ran the steps, stood by the statue and I spent the day literally living my dream. What did I learn? That NOTHING is impossible, if you have a dream, do it, make it happen, tick your goals off the list. Just like Rocky would say!

 

New Job/Old Job

Nothing worse than coming back from the best two trips, and the best time off than going straight into a new job. Especially the type of job where you are overworked and taken complete advantage off. I very quickly started to dislike the job I had got, I love helping others, but where you are held with little respect and made to feel crap, I only stayed on as long as I did because I met a team of lovely girls and I didn't want to let a team down, but I learnt that you cant give your best if your not at your best, and if you are staying on for someone else than you will never be happy or free and in the end it was the best thing for it to end, so that I could go chase the best for me.

 

New Job

One thing that I am always proud of myself for is never being out of work. I hunted tirelessly and found my next step, and I finally feel like I am on the path I am meant to be. In the NHS, the healthcare service, dealing with emergency calls, dispatching ambulances, and then on to helping people with very strange things also. Everyday is different, and yes I work pretty much ever single day but I know this time I am making a difference, I know I have been part of saving life's. I sleep sound knowing I've done my part and knowing that the job makes sense. It needed to happen, I needed to know that I am on the right journey and path.

 

Friends old

Truth is I wouldn't be anywhere without my rocks, and I am so lucky to have friends who came and stayed and never left. Those who never judge, never leave and are there though the bad and the good, who never make me feel bad or crap, yet make me feel lucky and blessed. Those who I never had to doubt, who I may not speak to or see everyday, or even live near, yet if I needed them they would be there without question. The kind of friends you don't have to chase, or put in all the effort, the ones who remember you, don't leave you out, who want to be involved in your life and who would never not involve you in theirs. Friends are important and I will be making time for them.

Friends new

Then there are those new people you meet along the way. The friends you make and you think to yourself  that maybe everything truly does happen for a reason. Friends who were always meant to come into your life for a reason and as a plan, because as son as you meet them you all just click, you find common ground and your feel like you have always known them. <3

 

Family

I have always been a family girl, as I grow older I realise the importance of family ever more so. You start to hold on more, appreciate more, and learn that your family wont always be there. That every birthday, Christmas or family time could always be the last. Family may not always get on, be near each other speak especially in larger family's. Personally I am so close to my mum, dad, brother and nan and granddad,  and I do have cousins who I know we are close no matter whether its been weeks since we have seen each other. And sometimes, without saying it, you know the love is there, the bond, the one that is unbreakable purely because you don't choose your family. Over Christmas, I have got a little down knowing that as a family we are not all together like we used to be, and that the family gatherings no longer exist, and that things have changed. It does make me sad, and if I could have anything, it would be for all my family to talk, to be happy, to be together again. I miss, having an aunty or uncle I can go to whenever, I miss everyone getting on and appreciating each other, above all I just wish time could be spent together. I don't want to get older missing the family times I once had. But that's the thing about family, there will always be love, and I will always love them. I am lucky, to have the family that I do and the memories I will treasure. I am so blessed to have best friends who are parents and a best friend as a brother. <3 in 2016 I hope to spend more time with other family and to make bonds again. My heart truly is with my family over in Ireland, who have had such sad news throughout the year, and although I am not able to see them, my love is there with all of them.

 

Future

2016, it is the future, and the upcoming, and apart from making goals, there isn't much we can do until it happens, and till we live everyday as it happens, as what will be will be, and all you can do is tackle the bad and appreciate the good. I am thankful for 2015 and the memories and just want to thank all of you who have been there I love you.

November 30th

I am the kind of girl who will change her hair colour because past photos make me think 'I wanna look like that again' - So I go on to change it then look back at the previous hair colour and the cycle starts all over again. Some may say this shows insecurity or never being fully satisfied. I am a hoarder of memories, more so than most. I live in the past and present retrospectively. With me nothing just goes and disappears. Anyone I have ever met, meant something. Any friendship or relationship I have ever had, whether its broken, gone or rusty - remains in me. I constantly look back, reflect, ponder on the past, get jealous of the memories, wish I was in places, on holidays and wondering what life would be like now if I was the 18 year old girl I used to be.

One month on...
As I wrote before the last time I just wasn't in a 'great' place because I had set myself on this whole looking back business. I was working in a job I didn't agree with, and that didn't make me feel good, and I had lost sight of what I wanted and who I wanted to be. I left that job, and I wont lie I felt like utter crap for a few days, as I had nothing in that moment. No job in November isn't a great thing. I could of just carried on, and I'm surprised that on the downer I was on that I didn't just carry on being a misery guts. Something though, something within me, said No, probably the fact I am a stubborn little bitch, but I just wasn't willing to settle, I wasn't willing to be defeated, miserable or give up on myself. Sometimes I surprise myself with my own strength, because at the end of the day it's only me that makes this actions, that gets myself up again time after time, and also how I don't need anyone to do so. I don't need someone to fix it all for me. I fix myself, I am just honest about it, like in my last blog post, I wont shine coat my life. I wont touch it up to make it look like something its not. I always hope that this honesty and realism about how I feel can help somebody else, I want those to know who may feel darker or the same that life does go on, and that we can face these storms and come out of them.

You know what mostly got me through. As usual - It was everybody else, Thinking about how we all have a purpose, how even though we may feel useless we have use to somebody else. I may have felt like crap but little did I know the affect I may have on someone else, especially those around me. I may be keeping someone else going, and that's where the circle begins. We are all here for each other. I also got to thinking about if I was to go right now, what sort of story would I leave, If I ever have children what would I want them thinking, what would I want to teach them. And I know it would always be to be brave and to be strong and to never give in or give up. I have spent from November the 4th... Being strong, being fearless and by turning things back around. Not once did I consider giving up. I searched for jobs, but more importantly I searched for what and who I wanted to be. After an interview and passing 3 fail or pass exams I passed and am on a new journey now with the NHS, helping others which I am sure now is my vocation in life. I have met new people, spent time laughing and being free, trying new challenges and in general just living. Not once during this time did I look back and regret not being in the domiciliary care sector anymore. I am more certain than ever now that EVERYTHING HAPPENS BECAUSE ITS MEANT TO AND FOR A REASON. Sure, we all get choices, we can opt for different paths, but I strongly believe that you will become who you are destined too and that you will end up right where you should have, even if it takes a little longer than expected. Our paths are well and truly mapped.

I guess I've stopped worrying like I was before. Wondering why I am behind in certain things like not having a boyfriend and stupid shit like that, I realised I may be behind there but am ahead in so much more, with so much life experience! I couldn't give a shit if I am single, If I end up with strings of weirdo dates and no luck with actually finding a decent guy. BIG DEAL I care about myself and what I am doing, how am I bettering myself, my life and those around me that I love life's. I am me, and I am no longer going to be sorry for that or even try and change those facts. In the words of John Candy ' I like me' and those I love like me, and that is all there is to it.

So as December has come round already and creeping up for us all tomorrow, I just want you all to take a moment -and think about the real gifts in your life this month, and those gifts to yourself... - chasing your happiness :)

Jade xox

October 31st.

I haven’t wrote for so long. Even now I am not sure where to begin. Recently I’ve found myself struggling. I have been trying to block out being negative and down, because I didn’t want to become a contradiction. My whole surviving tactic for the last few years to get through various battles was to simple preach. I spent time writing, writing this blog even, preaching about positivity and being strong, that eventually I started acting like I couldn’t be affected, like I was so strong and that nothing could affect me. People would come to me for advice, and I would give them answers, and tell them how everything works out, and how all we can do is carry on and grow stronger and braver. So who was I to now not be okay? After-all I was ‘dealing’ with my anxiety, I couldn’t exactly go back on everything? I became so concerned with keeping up this image of being a strong person, of moving forwards and dealing with it all, convincing myself of this also.

I got back from an amazing couple of weeks travelling. The busyness kept me from missing the children I had left as a Nanny, and The effect of that didn’t get round to catching up with me. I started a new job, a completely different job from what I had done before, and I worked solidly for weeks on end.  I had been seeing someone new, and I guess things were just moving, even when that finished with that person, I did ultimately feel like shit, but I just threw myself into work much more. I would sleep, work, sleep, work and nothing much in between. It was physically draining, mentally draining. Then well.. I turned 25. In my life, I tend to be a sarcastic bitch most of the time, and I have no problem with joking about myself, But I guess as silly as it sounds turning 25 was a bit of a turning point, because from that point on it was as if I gave up a little. My body slowed down, I was so tired, I ached so much, the constant work took its toll.  Yet I couldn’t say anything, I am so stubborn, I couldn’t just give up. I kept pushing, but I started to see how it was wearing me down and changing me, I wasn’t me. I started to feel angry and horrible and irritable, and like I had absolutely nothing going from me, and I was now another year older, and not another year closer to much. I always thought by 25, I would have a partner, a career I was sure I wanted, a clear goal. I even thought about how I always wanted to be a youngish mum and that I should have already started looking at starting a family. None of this was close in sight. So as my body buckled from pressure, stress and all round neglect so did my mind. If you suffer from anxiety you know that no matter what medication you take, no matter what therapy or outlet you have if your body is done, so is your mind, and boom there is the anxiety worse than it could ever be.

I became miserable pretty quick. Those around me could tell, and in general, I wasn’t able to give anything to anyone. It came to a head, because I just couldn’t even physically or mentally go to work last Monday. I had nothing to give, and it goes to show how quick you can go down. I was so sick and I felt poorly. Everything seemed so much worse, I started to just think, about things I had put behind me, ‘dealt with’ pushed to one side. I missed the children I nannied for. I felt bad that I had no energy or time to do my volunteer work. I felt bad about past friendships, relationships, I started missing things and people that hadn’t even entered my mind in a long time. I suddenly felt crap about the guy I had been seeing, and wondering why am I not good enough. I started questioning work, whether I was even good enough to do the job I was doing. Then I cried for the first time in about 10 months, I had a panic attack. That’s when I thought enough is enough.

I went straight to the doctor. Overexhastion, overstressed, poorly anyway, and anaemia levels were more down then the last time. I was signed off work for a week. I was told to go and just be, to take a break from everything, because I haven’t had a ‘break’ in a long long time.

Today I can actually finally sum things into words, because It’s important, It’s important for you to know that sometimes we can’t just be okay. I want to retract things I have wrote before about positivity and being strong, because it’s not true. You can’t be strong all the time, and you can’t be positive all the time either. It’s not realistic. We need to feel, we need to deal with it face on and we need to have bad and sad times to have the good. Life and battles are no good shoved under the carpet. You become strong by dealing with the bad and living with the battles. In an ideal world it would be nice to be a glass half full everyday but it’s just not going to happen. No matter who we are, we all have a weakness and a point where enough is enough, what’s important is what you do next. So what am I going to do next?  I’m going to deal with the issues I have not dealt with, I am going to remove the negatives as much as I can, and that includes people who don’t make me feel good, who change me, who I don’t like myself around. I’m going to remove myself from things that make me feel bad. Then there is the good.. I am going to hold on to those who have got me where I am now. I was wasting too much time, worrying about whether people liked me, whether I had done enough with people, Fact is, if you have made me question that and feel that way your gone. I need to think about what I want, and focus on only that.

I was missing such a vital thing… Self-belief.. And I am going to chase until I get that back. 

The truth is we have all become so exceptionally good at faking our own happiness, we have forgotten what happy is. I want to find what my happiness really is like. I'm sick of not being happy with myself with how I look, who I am, what people think. I guess its time to stop thinking about trivial things like that, and to just accept myself.

Sometimes it really is okay to just not be okay, to leave for a while to repair and reinvent yourself, Its the only way we can build or even grown stronger to begin with.

All I know is that I am going to be okay, we all will.

Jade xox

A is for Anxiety

A is for Anxiety

Genetics, Brain Chemistry, Personality and Life events are factors that can cause anxiety to develop.
Many people who are lucky enough to not have experienced anxiety often assume that someone suffering with anxiety is just nervous, shy or worried person, people often have no idea what anxiety actually is or what it means to someone that suffers from this burden.

I was such a confident, dramatic and headstrong child, It's hard to say if I was always going to turn out to have anxiety, or if one day it just happened. It was only as I got older I noticed certain things that were not really present before. I would worry about things that hadn't happened yet, I would have more concern over everyone else and whether I was doing right by them over whether I was even okay myself. It all started with obsession. Obsession with how I looked, obsession with what was mine, sometimes I could be like Gollum from Lord of The Rings and become so possessive over things and people, with no real reason for any of it. I used to have to have my own cups, and silly things like that and without it I would be so distraught. People on the outside would often mistake this obsession for me being vain or self absorbed when really it was the opposite. It then went on to add more and more little traits, I would begin to think EVERYBODY and I mean EVERYBODY was angry or upset with me, I would sit worrying about what I had done, and there was never even a problem. I started to push people away because I thought that they would just leave anyway. I was so worried about it in my head I thought that by just cancelling that relationship or friendship that I would be saving myself the worry and hassle, I thought it was so logical at the time, it was only ever after when I would be like 'Why on earth did I do that' and it ended up causing more sadness and hurt anyway.

As I got older and changed - my anxiety did too. If you have never suffered from a panic attack then you probably don't realise what its like to feel as if your going to die - for absolutely no other reason than just pure panic and dread that has set in for no reason what so ever. I had never had a panic attack until I was about 19, I was saved of that one way until this age. I can tell you now I probably never took a panic attack seriously before this and  I often thought that the person was just creating it themselves. I was wrong. It physically hurts, and stopping one once it has started feels like the most impossible feat ever. Touch wood, once this cycle started I managed to nip it in the bud pretty soon, mostly out of pure determination, because it was horrific. Apart from all the obvious symptoms and ailments that I could sit and list about anxiety and living with anxiety, the main point is - It never goes, you don't just wake up one day, no longer a sufferer of anxiety. It lives with you always and won't ever go away.

I guess your thinking 'How bleak' - Well it's not. You find ways of handling stuff.
These days 90% of the people in my life are not even aware, and those that are well they don't even question it they probably don't even think about me having it. I guess I hide things well, and have learnt to deal with it myself. It doesn't mean that everyday isn't a battle anymore, because it is. What you must remember is 'You are not your anxiety' It will never define you. You have anxiety but you are not an anxiety.

Sometimes it is like being trapped in a maze, one moment your working hard on positivity and fresh beginnings, and then its a day where that doesn't seem important or even possible anymore. You lose all bother with it. I still have days where I think I have upset people, when I haven't. I still have times where I think everyone hates me. Those are just silly moments that don't equate to the rest of my time and life. They are like a pinprick on a great map of the world. I still go to push new people away at times, convincing myself that starting a new relationship or friendship is a waste of time that will lead to more hurt and loss, and then I remember that I cannot allow myself to become that person, because its not me. I wasn't made to be closed up, cold and closed away from love and giving love to others.

Sometimes I forget any goodness inside of me. I feel like the worst person. Then I try my hardest, I go into my own zone for a bit and reflect on everything and remember all I have, can and will overcome.  When I used to become irrational, it used to go on for some time, now I have irrational moments, which are quickly taken away by calm and rational thinking. It can become easy to be taken over by a constant dread of living, a dread of hurting people, and them hurting you. Sometimes everything gets so cluttered and I am overcome by a million different thoughts, ideas and possibilities, a hundred 'what if's' and a thousand dreads. It really is a constant sensory overload. Which has often made me creative and imaginative and I feel like it has often made me a more empathetic person.  In-fact if I had to name one thing great that has come of my anxiety - It is just that - Empathy. I became so scared of hurting other people and being horrible, because I would never want someone to feel like that, I go out of my way for people, and I often do too much, because I treat people how I would want to be treated and I would rather others were happy rather than me.

People have often thought that I need fixing, I do not need fixing nor do I need someone to come into my life to fix me, I run my life on fixing others. Scars don't need plasters after all. I also do not expect understanding. The one thing that angers me and upsets me the most is people making assumptions, just like you may do after reading this. Assuming I am weak, or depressed or a walk over. You would be wrong to assume that. I may have fragile moments, but I am so very strong. Stronger than you could ever know. I may shut down and not know what to say sometimes, I may pester you and go out of my way for you - out of worry of losing you or hurting you. Some days I do feel nervous and closed up, other days I have all the confidence in the world. I may hate being late, I hate not having plans made, EVERYTHING in my life is ruled on routine, plans, and certainty. I hate the unknown, I hate not knowing. I need to know everything, times, dates, how you feel, and I need constant reassurance. BUT.. I appreciate everything, the little things, the effort, the patience. I will listen to everything you say and I will remember. I will remember those little things that make you YOU, and I will make you feel like a good and amazing person. I love fiercely and those I know will get smothered by my love and care. I know for a fact I would take those good things and the anxiety all together over having no anxiety and none of these 'better' things that come along with it.

1 in 4 of us suffer from anxiety in just the UK alone.  Maybe you do, maybe someone you know does, please just remember that it doesn't define them.  Women are 3 times more likely to be treated for anxiety but men are 3 times more likely to die by suicide than women in the UK. Maybe if we all spoke more, told people how we feel. Maybe if we all spread the word much more, and stopped treating stuff like this a stigma, maybe less people would feel alone in their thoughts and feelings. There is nothing to be ashamed about. Please remember that. Stand up, stand proud, if we can do it for other issues than why can we not do it for this too. It is normal, it is life. Your never alone.

I guess I just wanted those of you who are in the same situation, that I know how it feels, and its okay :)

Lots of Love

Jade xox